I first began my experiences with mental illness when I was around seven or eight years old. I was always seen as being pleasant, creative and somewhat up-tight. My (now deceased) father was a lovely, very pleasant man. I have always had a much more strained relationship with my Mother, for many reasons.I began to suffer from very bad anxiety attacks, the kind of which, from the outside, would look like I was having a fit. The symptoms included an overwhelming feeling of "unreality", of claustrophobia in my own skin, of feeling like I was going to die/going insane and of just wanting to "escape".
This went on for several years, with regular visits to the hospital, until a child psychologist was recommended. A course of counselling took place over several months, which worked wonders. I was, at this time, about fifteen years old I think. There have been two or three anxiety episodes since then, the latest being about five years ago, though I always take steps to control my state of mind - by not drinking caffeine, not drinking alcohol and by regular trips to the gym. I have also been prescribed beta blockers in the past to control my more extreme levels of emotion.
I also attend a counsellor called "Mind Matters" in Wakefield as and when I need it - all steps which have helped immeasurably. The analogy that my counsellor used in the past was that my various anxiety states were similar to a radio signal. Most of the time, the signal is set at a gentle level two or three. There are times that after a big workout, when acting/being creative, after being intimate with someone, or other times of bliss, then the radio is as close to being switched off as possible. Then, at other times, when I have to go up high in a building, at times of nervousness or stress, when I have been at times of particular discomfort then the radio switches itself up louder, toward a more agitated anxiety state.
The counsellor advised that this will be with me forever, and that I won't be "cured" but that it is a common situation and to make adult decisions to have a more productive life, which is what I have endeavoured to do these past few years. I haven't flown in an aeroplane for years for due to my anxiety fears, but that will be the next steps when I make more headway with my creativity, toward the life I want.
That covers the basics of my anxiety states - which I will return to in a bit.
I have jokingly called this past few years, "The Decade Of Doom". As I may have mentioned previously, my Dad passed away very suddenly, I have been made redundant three times from various full-time jobs, and due to the recession laid off from two or three more. In addition to this, two relationships ended over the past few years, one of which I took particularly badly.As a result I have not been as "settled" as I would have liked with life.
About three or four years ago, I began to stop going to the gym, eat more junk food, slept more restlessly, had a general lack of focus. These physical symptoms went on for several weeks, culminating in a day when I was walking through Leeds. I had the distinct and overwhelming feeling that every other person was behind glass, and somehow "away" from me. The other people were not really present, and I really didn't want to engage with them in any case. I arrived home and was sick. The only thing that I understood was that this was not an anxiety episode.
I booked to go to the doctors, as my malaise got even worse. I have at various times, lost some interest in reading books, watching longer films on tv, and spending time with friends.
I went to the doctor, and he referred me to a specialist, due to my previous mental health issues.
My malaise came and went. When it was with me I felt tired, uninterested, lacking focus, unmotivated and generally "off". When I was okay (which I would sometimes be) I would have days of good productivity, of feeling complete and connected. However, there were also in between days when I felt okay but I worried terribly about my mental state.
The doctor advised I was suffering from mild-to moderate depression. He advised a steady course of anti-depressants, and regular doctors visits, and appointments at a different counsellors in Wakefield - Turning Point.
What was key here was to understanding the depression, and my own mental state. It was advised to me, that I wasn't fully over the more difficult years of 1999 - 2003 and that I was joking about things, or mentally sweeping them under the carpet. The gym may have been acting as a band aid but that due to my serious and sensative nature (as well as a little bit of bad luck) then my depression came to the fore.
Several questions have stayed with me though.
Would I always have been like this?
If I had had a different life would things have been different?
Mainly - Is the creativity a result of my mental issues, or are my mental issues an offshoot of my creativity?
Finally - If I could "turn of" my emotional problems, would I then lose my other creative interests too?
Would I switch them off?
All of the above question have stayed with me over the past few years.
The doctor, during my last few sessions, Advised that I am in fact, suffering from a combination of both anxiety and depression, and that one feeds the other - specifically that the worry about the depression can be never ending, and futile. As of today, I have had several bouts of depression of varying degrees, along with the radio of anxiety being ever present.
My mental state has resulted in me losing a couple of jobs this past 18 months, as they have not been in any way creative, and have often felt I am attempting to put a square peg in a round hole.
My depressive mental state often means that I jump to the worst possible conclusion sometimes, and feel that I am not worthy to do the job I am doing. This was particularly true when I failed two different work probationary period tests, by getting too flustered and upset - despite repeatedly scoring very high scores all through the training. This resulted in me losing the jobs as a result.The medication I am on now, as well as the regular trips to the gym however, work absolute wonders. Exercise - fitness, adrenaline, endorphins and seratonins do work absolute wonders, along with the feeling that we ourselves are taking care of both our physical and mental well-being. We each "own" our own lives, and the gym has been my saviour these past few years.
In conclusion, my symptoms for depression still include an overwhelming feeling of dread, of tiredness, of loneliness, of being disconnected from the rest of the world.
But understanding these symptoms, and that I sometimes see the dark clouds of depression gathering means that I can tell people, and that I can feel like I am doing something about it.
Until then, I work every day on maintaining a steady state of mind, as well as on my creativity, and still live in hope.
Thank you Alex for your willingness to share. I can certainly relate to some of those feels that Alex describes. Perhaps you can too? I'm passionate that we begin to talk honestly and openly about depression, to share experiences and strategies to support ourselves and each other. Sometimes, like Alex describes, we can see depression descending upon us, and other times it arrives without any warning; either way, we can be ready with the tools we need to get through it. Alex wrote that he found writing his experiences down very therapeutic which is fantastic - another strategy that you can use to get those thoughts and feelings out of your head. I'll be sharing more about that over my forthcoming blogs, and, if like Alex, you'd like to share your experiences and or strategies with me, I'd love to hear from you. You can of course use a pseudonym if you prefer.
I look forward to connecting with you. Have a great week.
Nigel
